Wisdom Era

Before you read any of this, please know I do not assume these next thoughts should be construed as my own established wisdom. If anything, I am trying to start a conversation about what constitutes wisdom.

With that in mind I'd like to ask: what makes wisdom? Google says its, "the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being wise." So helpful. And the definition gets even more wonky when we insert a culture. Just to give an example of the difference there: talking a lot (a la Mark Twain) is a sign of wisdom in European American culture, while it is a sign of ignorance in Native American culture. And then to make it almost impossible to define is the fact context matters. Waiting could be wisdom when parenting one child but folly parenting another child.

I have bad news. Not only am I not able to decipher this, I am going to make it more complicated. What if wisdom is also time - or maybe era - dependent? What makes sense at one stage of our life makes no sense in another. Several times through my life I have checked back in with a teenage self or my twenty-year-old self to see their opinions of where I am right now. As you could probably imagine, there are some discrepancies. There are several things I swore at twenty-one that I'd never do, and I now even enjoy (hello staying home every Saturday night). What seemed perfectly reasonably, nigh prudent and just, now seems ill advised. And this of course makes sense given the experiences I've accumulated since that tender young time in my life. But why does it make sense now?

Many would say it's because I know more now. All the years were teachers and I am now a well-studied student. However, I start to wonder if wisdom is something we have to grow into. By growth I don't mean something that increases in amount through age. Instead, what if wisdom is dependent on the stage of life we are in and the associated needs/tasks of that era? Here's an example of what I mean. As a counselor I often encounter young, stressed, overworked, insecure, future-fearing souls that will not stop to rest because they are afraid of failing and falling behind. What wisdom comes to mind when you hear a twenty-year-old college student saying they don't see their friends and family that often because they are being more responsible than you, a middle-aged person? Do you tell them that's how its supposed to be? Do you tell them to double down? Is that what you did at twenty? If it was, what do you feel about that younger version of yourself?

What feels like wisdom to me is to say: "Slow down and have fun. You will never be this beautiful, have this much energy, and feel this good again. Yes make sure you work hard. But you also need to live outside of work and figure out who you are. That's the only thing that will tell you what are working for." As a therapist for this developmental level I find myself saying young people need to goof off more. They need to be curious and open instead of following a narrow path to to success. I recognize that this would not be wisdom to everyone. The context, again, matters. To the person who is spinning their wheels and lost, a little less goofing off would be beneficial.

How many times have you heard the phrase "You'll understand when you are my age." It doesn't just when we were twenty-one. Unless you are the elder of your group, I know you've heard it at some point in the last five years. I'm watching the generation before me change their perspectives as they approach the sunset of life. But I am beginning to think I can't see it exactly like them because the timing is wrong. What is important to them is not important to me...yet. And maybe it isn't because I am not wise enough yet. Maybe it isn't that what is wise changes with our perspective, but rather our perspective changes with wisdom. An elder would value that extra time later life gives. But I shouldn't overvalue quiet alone time and very long walks right now. My kids won't like the first and my boss wouldn't like the second. In hindsight, I know I was an anxious parent with my first child, but instead of thinking I was foolish or misguided, I am thankful the experience taught me what being a parent means. I don't know how it could have happened any other way. I'm sorry for that guy who was worried and stressed. But that's what he needed at that moment.

I recognize I just made a loop with my logic. But I also recognize that wisdom looks different with who you are, your experience, your values, your surroundings, etc. There's that pesky context again. All of these variables are what make life so complicated. To finish this ramble, I attempt to give some order. Not to the variables, but how they are prioritized.

Word to the wise: I have learned from being both a therapist and a writer that there are different ways to respond to the world around us. The lowest level is knowing what to say or do. The next up is knowing how to say or do it. Who to say or do it is near the top. But the pinnacle of wisdom seems to be when to say or do something. I'm convinced timing is everything.