Belief and Humility

Previously I posted about how I was unprepared for how much endurance I'd have to use to believe in my work. But a recent podcast made me realize why there may be even more standing in the way of believing in my words that goes beyond putting one foot in front of the other over and over again. During my conversation with Saffron Asteria (maybe the coolest name ever) at Booked, I was asked if I would ever consider self-publishing. As usual, I blurted out truth before I completely understood it. I said self-publishing takes a level of belief that I have a hard time with. A publisher putting their name on my work feels like permission - an acknowledgement that this is good enough for mass consumption.

But all one needs to do to see this permission isn't needed, or even wanted, is to look at the explosion of self-published books. And while I've read some duds from that realm, I've also read true literature, full of feeling, bathed in the light of genius. So I sat with that thought a little while and came up with another reason I have a hard time singing the praises of my work from rooftops: I grew up Southern.

And not just any Southern - the Cajun Catholic kind. Humility is the driving force of how I am supposed to appear in the world*. And self-publishing requires a writer to become a as good of a self-promotor as a writer - if not better. They must be assertive, and sometimes aggressive, about the merits of their work. A self-published author must create their audience. They make the stranger feel like this book has been missing from their life and the author is here to save them. It is against my training to talk about the space my writing should take up in your life, the strengths that I hope it embodies. I feel boasty and prideful. My imbedded Southern humility prohibits such lofty aspirations as to think my work worthy of your time. Every time someone says "tell me about your book", my impulse is to say "there's probably much better things to do with those several hours. Do you crochet?"

Humility is something hard-baked into my bones. So much so I become self-deprecating anytime anyone says something positive about my writing. It has been terribly difficult to undo and I still have a long way to go. I'm glad I've met so many author friends who have shown me ways to talk about writing and still adhere to cultural mores.

Wait...was that humility again?

*Humility dictates interactions unless you are male, and in a business transaction, or making a family decision, or describing how to fix/repair something, or imparting knowledge gained from one's own family (that one did not come by on their own), or when someone is encroaching on your territory (whether it be home, fishing spot, crop/field), etc.